We are in the middle of a nightmare, and try as we might, we can't wake up.
The weird part of this is that we are all having the same bad dream. And it is s-c-a-r-y.
Rick Perry -- yes, the Texas governor who declared a 3-day prayer period for rain in drought stricken Texas and who also attended a prayer and fast rally -- has formally announced his candidacy for President. Perry claims that a Bush helped talk him into it. So it is probably safe to assume that it was neither George Bush senior nor George Bush junior, but rather a Bush of the burning variety as Texas is still badly parched.
No more wine before dinner -- because we could have also sworn we heard that controversial Newsweek cover girl and religious conservative, Michele Bachmann, is now the Republican frontrunner. She won the Iowa straw poll -- besting 9 other Republicans and capturing 29 percent of the vote. Twenty-nine percent?!
OK, she is an Iowa native -- that might have something to do with her popularity there. And, she enlisted country music star, Randy Travis, to entertain her supporters. But I think it was the fact that her tent had air conditioning that caused people to gravitate to her. It's been a brutally hot summer. Someone was probably overheard saying," Come here, it's cool." The person next to them thought they said, "She's cool" because it was loud due to Randy Travis singing and it all mushroomed from there.
FYI, Rick Perry got 4% of that vote. All write ins. Due to the aforementioned extreme heat, a few people got confused and thought he was Steve Perry, former front man and lead singer from Journey. They were heard exiting the poll singing, 'Don't Stop Believing.' Not to worry, it didn’t help Hillary Clinton, either.
I’m confused too. My head hurts. No more martinis with dinner. Our country is seeming wildly schizophrenic, legalizing same sex marriage while supporting these staunchly conservative, religious zealots. Which direction are we going in? Which way is home? Help!
No more after dinner drinks. Ever. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.
We can take comfort in the fact that a straw poll is a vote with non binding results.
Wait a minute, is it possible that our collective bad dream was engineered? Could there be a mastermind behind this?
Of course, the person with the most to gain from all of this would be … Barack Obama. It’s certainly in his best interest to have the Tea Party fracture the Republicans. Goodbye former Republican frontrunners. Manana Mitt, Hit the Road Ron, Tim already said Ta-Ta. All he will have to do is sit back and watch. Divide and conquer – even kids know that.
His dream-come-true would be that Bachmann holds onto her lead, then chooses Palin as her running mate. No wait, I think that’s Lorne Michaels’ dream. Saturday Night Live would probably have to air twice a week. That and Trump throwing his hat back into the ring. Well, probably not a hat – I don’t think he would allow himself to have hat hair.
Could the Tea Party be part of a plot, engineered by Democrats? Are they secretly supporting them? With our country so bruised, is this the only way they feel they can hold onto the top spot? With Obama’s approval rating eroding, has he resorted to desperate measures? Goodbye Joe Biden – Hello Bill Clinton? Hillary Clinton? Chelsea Clinton? Chelsea Handler? OPRAH???? Oh, Oh, O/O that could be very interesting.
OK, now it’s all starting to come back. The last thing I remember is that we were all at a party at some guy, Barry’s house. I remember falling asleep while eating Bachmann Pretzels and listening to Journey while sipping a strong cocktail through a straw. Someone named Michelle or Michele was talking. … I thought she said Barack Obama will be a two-term President, but it was pretty loud with all of that music.
I just want to wake up. Maybe I'll have a nice cup of tea ...