Author Zara Phillips Shares Adoption Story

Author Zara Phillips has worn a lot of hats.

She's a vocal recording artist, a mother, an author and an advocate for the rights of adoptees.

Phillips shared her story through words and by singing original songs she played on the guitar while promoting her book "Mother Me: An Adopted Woman's Journey to Motherhood" at Watching Booksellers in Montclair recently.

"I had never read a book about adoption. Feelings came up I couldn't name. I didn't understand the grief. . . If we don't know our story we make up all kinds of stuff in our head," she recalled.

Phillips, who is of Italian heritage, was adopted into a Jewish family in London and struggled with feelings of not fitting in while growing up. She felt emotional pain knowing her birth mother was somewhere out there, "There was always one eye looking on the street just in case she walks by."

She dabbled in drugs, pursued a career in music and worked as a backup singer for recording artists, including Bob Geldof and Bananarama. When she was 24 she sought out and met her birth mother for the first time, but repeatedly drove by her house and even sent her a letter before mustering the courage to meet her in person.

Phillips read to the audience from her book, about the experience, "What do you say to a stranger who happens to be your mother ... More than anything else I wanted to see waht she looked like."

In the ensuing years, Phillips moved to Los Angeles, got married, and had three children of her own. She moved to Montclair five years ago and has become an advocate of unsealing birth records for adoptees and has recorded music and made a documentary about the experiences adoptees go through.

The film "Roots Unknown" and the song "I'm Legit" were created with her friend Darryl McDaniels, adoptee and hip-hop artist known as DMC. "In England, the records are open and I could get my birth certificate. Here you can't," she said. Phillips said she has lobbied politicians to open the birth records of adoptees in New Jersey and New York.

Phillips said her goal is to get families who plan to adopt and others to think about adoption in a different way. Besides the joy of adopting a child, Phillips said they also need to acknowledge the grief and loss that are also part of the adoption process.

"I know what it is to grieve," she said, adding that every year on her birthday she would think of her birth mother and the sadness they both felt on that same day. Phillips said in a subsequent interview that she's heard from many adoptees who share in her sometimes painful feelings and has also been criticized by adoptive parents who are reluctant to acknowledge that their children are in pain.

The author said she participated in therapy, read books about adoption and also felt healing by meeting her birth mother and, ultimately, by having her own children.

She said she tells other adoptive parents, "Don't be scared. There is no one that can take your place, but it (knowing your story and birth family) just helps us heal."

Phillips' book came out in Europe in 2008 and was recently released in the United States. It is available at Barnes & Noble and at Amazon.com. Find more on her Web site.